Port Adelaide’s approximation of a passionate ‘soccer’ crowd in their pre-game build up (sing iconic song loudly, hold scarf proudly above head) has the AFL in a lather.
Yes, this is how you do it. This is how you bring the crowds back and make them stop worrying about being priced out and scheduled out. Give the home fans a feeling that it’s their ‘home’ game. Ram it home to them and they’ll keep coming back in droves.
And so a clarion call from AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan went out to all the AFL clubs in this big brown land. Gillon wanted suggestions to improve the match-day experience, he wanted clubs to “push the envelope” and he wanted them fast.
So far only one idea has been made public, and that was yesterday, when Greg Swann, CEO of the struggling Brisbane Lions, announced the club’s intention to pull a caged lion around the ground to boost stagnating attendances and reverse falling revenues.
“We think the kids would just be absolutely beside themselves,” he said.
“We’re having a talk to a few zoos and lion parks about how that would work and (we had) a chat to the AFL and fortunately the boss (Gillon McLachlan) thinks that’s a great idea … we’d put them in the back of a big cage and take them around the ground and it’d be exciting hopefully.”
But what have the brightest minds from the other clubs come up with to increase crowds and improve the ‘home game’ match day fan experience. In a Shoot Farken exclusive, a source inside AFL HQ has leaked some of these ‘pushing the envelope’ ideas.
Essendon: The Hird Motorcade
With the return of Essendon’s Sun God, the club will be pulling out all the stops to promote the Cult of Hirdism. Whether this boost crowds is irrelevant as the club is more concerned in worshipping the deity in their midst with the pomp and adulation he deserves.
A motorcade will drive around the ground before the game to a ten minute standing ovation. The lead car will be conveying a giant photo of James Hird. Essendon fans are then expected to kneel down as the car goes past. Basically, a reverse Mexican wave. The second car in the motorcade will carry a regal-looking, hand-waving Tania Hird. Her other job is to spot doubters in the crowd. Those not worshipping enthusiastically enough will be incinerated with golden lasers mounted on the lead vehicle and fired from the eyes of the all-knowing and powerful Hird.
Melbourne: The Wicker Man
A wicker man is to be erected in the middle of the MCG before the match. A Melbourne fan will climb into the wicker man and it will be set alight. During the sacrifice Melbourne fans will make invocations to the football god for the club’s rebirth. Even if the team’s form turns around, sacrifices will kept being made so as to not displease said football god. The club has not decided how they will choose the sacrificer. A club raffle has been suggested as it will also raise much-needed funds. The club doesn’t foresee any problem finding volunteers.
Carlton: The Return Of The Streaker
Helen D’Amico gets close and personal with The Flying Doormat, Bruce Doull. Source: blueseum.org
In the 1982 Grand Final, a female streaker with a Carlton scarf ran onto the ground during the third quarter. Her appearance as the 19th “man” ensured a famous Blues victory.
A streaker waving a Carlton scarf will invade the pitch during every home game. As the streaker will be sanctioned, they will run around unmolested by security. The sex of the streaker will alternate as Carlton want to satisfy all their fans including the LGBT community. The appearance of a transgender streaker of Thai descent during the season has also been mooted. With Royal Brunei Airways on the nose because of their recently imposed medieval laws, this will be an effective promotional tool for prospective new sponsor, Thai Airways.
Adelaide: From ‘Kick A Vic’ To ‘Peck A Vic’
Inspired by Hitchcock’s The Birds, a murder of specially trained crows will be released to attack the opposition players from the time they break through their banner to just before the opening bounce. In the unlikely event of an Adelaide loss, the crows will then be released again to attack the fans of the visiting team as they exit the Adelaide Oval.
With the pregame theatrics, free agency, and screwing the everyday punter, the AFL is slowly turning into the EPL.
Except the AFL has the equalisation policy, draft, and salary cap.
Which basically makes the AFL a two-faced, schizophrenic, unrealistic operation, which it can afford to be unless it wants to keep growing its profits as much as humanly possible, which seems to be its aim.
Stop dilly daddling and choose – fuck over the common fan but put on an a-grade all-HD TV product with free agency and no salary cap, or keep things as they are and stop chasing the extra dollars that aren’t there unless you screw people over.
Don’t say you’re for the people while slyly ripping them off at every opportunity. That is not what the fans want!
Maybe North Melbourne can resurrect Matilda from the Brisbane Commonwealth games and have her wink at the kangas supporters before every home game?