After 32 years of hurt, Australian football fans have been blessed with three successive appearances in the World Cup. This most welcome blessing has also been accompanied by a curse – shit Socceroos World Cup songs.
Why does the FFA (Football Federation Australia) keep flogging this dead musical horse by persisting to put out lame arse “Official” Socceroos World Cup Songs? The last time I checked, FFA HQ in College Street had not relocated from Sin City to the Motor City. The last time I checked, Frank Lowy was not the godfather of Motown… but of Westfield Shoppingtown.
Thankfully, the beauty of this brief history is its brevity: A history of three official songs.
After I complete it you’ll be hoping like hell that there won’t be a fourth.
1974 – Sing-alongs for the Socceroos
Australia’s first FIFA World Cup appearance did not come with an Official Socceroos song, although I would like to point out that our debut participation in Germany did produce some hokey little sing-alongs that sounded like they were recorded in a dingy German Bierkeller.
Thanks to the wonder of modern technology they have been preserved in digital aspic by ozfootball.net.
To the tune of The Battle Hymn of the ‘Republic Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!’ here is “Sock it to them Socceroos”.
We are the Aussies and soccer is our game
You can’t keep us down under and you don’t forget out name
And the “Socceroos Supporters Song”.
If only we had stopped there.
2006 – Move over Eurovision, here’s the Song for the Socceroos
Australia’s thrilling qualification for the 2006 World Cup was met with unimagined euphoria inside and outside Sydney’s Olympic Stadium. Like the Primal Scream song we all did “Come Together”.
This is a beautiful day
It is a new day
We are together, we are unified
…and after we wiped ourselves clean, we misguidedly thought it only appropriate that we send the boys off to Germany with a Socceroos World Cup song.
Channel Sex Before Soccer (SBS) produced a 7 part series, Song For the Socceroos, in the search for this song. The show was hosted by the Eurovision veteran Julia Zemiro, the entries judged by luminaries such as Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson, Alex Dimitriades and Deborah Conway and the winning song chosen by public vote.
It all sounded good in theory, the reality was…well I did warn you.
The competition was won by Freedom of Thought with “Green And Gold”.
A study of the lyrics does suggest some lovely, if somewhat crudely stated, thoughts…
It’s been long long time
I should’ve seen it coming miles away
It’s been long long time
Things have finally fallen into place
I’ll never forget my history
I’ll make my own destiny
Wear green and gold so, so proudly
So many different cultures
Living together so beautifully
So much heart, so much passion
It makes me want to scream
I wanna jump and scream
In a stadium full of Australians
…and it came wrapped in what can only be described crappy Aussie rap-rock. Or as a mate of mine aptly put it – stale Aussie fish and chip hop with guitars.
The single was released with the runner up “Here Come the Socceroos” by John Duffin. Here is the dire ditty as performed on the show by a bogan with the requisite mullet and tatts, aka comedian Chris Franklin.
It entered the Aussie Top 50 singles chart at number 26. It did not go any higher. It was in the chart for a total of five weeks.
These two songs were the best we could do from 700 entrants. Think about it. This should have been the end of the Song of the Socceroos story, but unfortunately it got worse…much worse.
2010 – How Westfield flatlined the Socceroos to South Africa
In 2010, there was no contest. In 2010, the whole idea of the Socceroos having an ‘Official’ World Cup Song seemed a redundant notion.
But, then along came Westfield and hijacked the concept in a brazenly cynical and musically bereft PR exercise.
Westfield came up with the idea of getting shoppers to deposit their heartbeat as samples to be used in an electronic anthem to inspire our boys to glory in South Africa. Fast-fading Natalie Bassingthwaighte-less pop rock act Rogue Traders were picked to produce the musical goods.
They even roped in former NSW premier Kristina Keneally to spruik the concept with FFA Chairman Frank Lowy at Westfield Bondi Junction.
The embarrassing conceit was captured on video for posterity. Watch and recoil.
Of course, it was a recipe for disaster.
“Heart’s Beat As One” by Rogue Traders did not even chart. It was the last single they released.
A generic, tedious anthem created for all the wrong reasons.
The song put the final nail in the coffin for Rogue Traders and it should have also done so for the World Cup Song for Socceroos concept.
But, alas, it was not to be.
2014 – Throwing “Up!” to Brazil
Just when we thought we were rid of this scourge, just when we thought…oh well fuck it…here is the 2014 World Cup song as introduced by part-time music critic and FFA CEO David Gallop.
“The Socceroos are preparing to unite all of Australia on the world stage and we now have a song to offer another level of connection between the Socceroos and the fans.”
“Samantha Jade’s song brings to life the words and emotions of the current players and Socceroo pioneers as we all look forward with anticipation to watching the Socceroos do us proud and write the fourth chapter in our proud World Cup history.”
What the fuck “Up!” has to do with football is well and truly beyond my mental powers. What does a talent show-winning Kylie Minogue clone singing utterly meaningless lyrics to a cookie cutter pop song have to do with the Socceroos? What is this ‘connection’ you go on about Mr Gallop?
Maybe if I smoked some of that clear blue stuff Walter White cooked up in his meth lab in New Mexico I would be able to understand.
Maybe if I dropped some of Timothy Leary’s LSD in to my eyes I would be able to understand.
Maybe if I smoked some peyote with a shaman I would be able to understand.
Conclusion
Every now and again the planets align. Some people with actual talent and a genuine love of football get together to record national team pop song that works. So much so it goes to number one in that respective country’s singles chart – ”World in Motion” and “Three Lions (Football’s Coming Home)”. It is a rare event, even in a country steeped in football history and pop music tradition like England.
This has not happened in Australia and chances are it never will. Aussies with songwriting tekkers just don’t love football enough to create memorable World Cup songs for the Socceroos.
If only Nick Cave loved football and followed up his Murder Ballads with Group of Death Songs…if only.
