Last week, Essendon Football Club announced the launch of a new product, a first for the AFL, the ‘Active Area’.
This exclusive membership area will consist of some of our loudest, proudest and passionate supporters who will assist the cheer squad in increasing the atmosphere and providing positive encouragement for the team.
As Head of Marketing and Brand, Ryan McKee, explained:
“Our hope is that by creating a section such as the Active Area, we are providing a vehicle for fans to deliver that atmosphere and truly impact our games.”
To help achieve this end:
The club is also looking for an organising committee/capo for this section to work in partnership with the club on chants and banners. If you are interested in getting involved, please email us at fandevelopment@essendonfc.com.au
Shoot Farken has exclusively obtained the interview tapes in Essendon’s search for a capo. We have redacted the names of the candidates to protect their identities. Although, we do warn that some of the language heard on the tapes may cause offence.
Candidate A
Mr. XXXX, you applied to be a capo in our active area. Why do you think you are qualified for the role? Do you have any active fan experience?
Yes, I was in Melbourne Heart’s Yarraside, but when they changed to Melbourne City my heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
I’m sorry to hear that XXXX. As you know, being the capo of the active area means leading the fans in chants. Can you please give us an example of a chant that will provide positive encouragement to the team.
There’s only one James Hird, only one James Hird.
Walking along, singing a song, living in peptide wonderland.
Thank you XXXX. I don’t think the board would approve that chant. Have you got another one?
Sure. How about this one?
Fuck em all, fuck em all!
St.Kilda, Carlton, Collingwood
Cos we are the Bombers and we are the best
we are the Bombers so fuck all the rest
I can’t see the board having a problem with that one. Do you?
Thank you, Mr. XXXX. You’ll be hearing from us soon.
Candidate B
Mr XXXX, you applied to be a capo in our active area. Why do you think you are qualified for the role? Do you have any active fan experience?
Yes, loads. I was in Melbourne Victory’s North Terrace until I was banned by the FFA for five years. I was the victim of a gross miscarriage of justice.
I’m sorry to hear that Mr XXXX. As you know, being the capo of the active area means leading the fans in chants. Can you please give us an example of a chant that will provide positive encouragement to the team.
Ok. This is a good one.
Jump for mighty Essendon Ole Ole
Jump for mighty Essendon Ole Ole
Jump for mighty Essendon Ole Ole
Jump for mighty Essendon Ole Ole
Oh shit. Sorry, I just broke a chair.
Never mind, XXXX. Just be more careful next time. Speaking of ideas, can you think of an example of how our active area can deliver an atmosphere and truly impact a game?
Yeah, sure thing. It’s the last quarter and the game is close. Sydney is kicking to our end. Buddy Franklin has just taken a mark and is kicking for goal to put the Swans in front. We rip a load of flares to obscure the goals as we chant “Fuck off Sydney!” He misses. Essendon wins the game. Is that enough impact for you?
Thank you, Mr. XXXX. You’ll be hearing from us soon.
Candidate C
Mr XXXX, you applied to be a capo in our active area. Why do you think you are qualified for the role? Do you have any active fan experience? Excuse me, if you don’t mind me saying, but you do look a bit old for the position.
No sweat mate. I’m old cos I was in the Grog Squad when we was still playing at Windy Hill. You know…the good old days. What would you know? You was just a sprog back then. Here, let me show you something.
Mr. XXXX there is no need to take off your shirt.
Relax. I just wanna show you the tatt across me chest. I just wanna show youse how much I love me Bombers. Cellmate inked it when I was in prison. See it?
Yes, XXXX. I can see it. It says “I HATE COLLINGWOOD” in squiggly capital letters. Very good. Can you please put your shirt back on so we can get back to the interview.
No wuckin forries.
As you know, being the capo of the active area means leading the fans in chants. Can you please give us an example of a chant that will provide positive encouragement to the team.
Yeah, here’s one we used to sing under the scoreboard at Windy Hill.
Tommy Hafey fucks his daughter tra-la-la-la-la-la…la-la-la-la
Peter Daicos drives a Valiant tra-la-la-la-la-la…la-la-la-la
Yes, thank you XXXX. I think we’ve heard enough of that one. I hope you realise that most of our fans in this new active area would have only seen Peter Daicos on YouTube. So, have you got something, you know, more current?
Alright. How about this one? We used to sing this after half time after we had a dozen cans.
Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree,
fucking every sparrow he can see.
Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra,
now you’ve got VD!
Thank you, Mr. XXXX. You’ll be hearing from us soon.
No worries, but what’s with this calling me a capo bullshit. I sound like a bloody wog.
