EuroFarken: 10 Artists Shoot Farken would like to see at Eurovision 2014

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m as big a fan of the annual Eurovision Song Contest as any kitsch-loving hipster doofus around.

I get the attraction of the overblown ballads, the scantily dressed Euro babes, the dodgy interpretations of folk traditions and the interminable vote count filled with the usual neighbourly back-scratching.

I get all that and love it too.

But now and again, in between another Celine Dion knock-off from Malta or wholesome folk-pop group from Iceland, I fantasize about another sort of Eurovision — an “alternative” Eurovision that goes beyond the Swedish pop song factory model and showcases some of the truly awesome stuff that comes out of old Europa.

So taking a cue from David Lee Roth in the second greatest music video of all-time, “Just a Gigolo” (the greatest of all-time of course being “Hot for Teacher”), indulge me as I become Eurovision judge and jury and pick ten musical artists I’d like to see at the Shoot Farken Eurovision Song Contest.

(The only real selection criteria is that the band/performer is still active.)

To paraphrase Diamond Dave: “Now if I could do a Eurovision…”

United Kingdom

What you’re going to get: Molly Smitten-Downes “Children of the Universe”

This isn’t as bad as some of the UK’s recent attempts at capturing past Eurovision glories, but really, they had to co-write this with a Swede for chrissakes?! Remember Sven-Goran Eriksson, people? And how well did that all end for England? Sure the Swedes are masters when it comes to pop songcraft, but we don’t need a Bonnie Tyler/Adele knock-off with a double-barreled surname winning Eurovision.

Shoot Farken’s pick: The Fall “Hit the North”

Not Ray Davies, not Richard Thompson, and definitely not Liam Gallagher. The true voice of scabrous Britain is the abstruse poet of punk, the Philip K Dick of Mancunian rockabilly, the one and only, Mark E Smith of The Fall. What joy it would bring to watch Smith stumble about the stage spouting his surreal condemnations of modern life and all its horrors. How proud Britain would be.

And he really likes those nice modern pop bands:

The occasions I go to award shows, they’re just a bunch of shits. You sit next to The Killers, and it’s like, am I on the wrong fucking train here? No, really. Talking about shares and stuff. Mumford and Sons, it’s like sitting next to Ernst and Young.

Russia

What you’re going to get: Tolmachevy Sisters “Shine”

Like the worst stereotype of Eastern Bloc gymnasts (or boxers in the case of Ivan Drago and Rocky IV) trained from birth to show the West what-for, the 17-year-old Tolmachevy Sisters have already won a Eurovision song contest. As nine-year-olds they took out Junior Eurovision and they’ve been plotting this charm offensive on the senior contest ever since, probably with the approval and backing of Vladimir Putin too.

Where are you when we really need you, Rocky? Actually, the song’s not terrible.

Shoot Farken’s pick: Pussy Riot “Putin will teach you how to love Russia”

The most important band in the world right now? Probably.

Pussy Riot might just embody the punk ethos of rebellion and political dissent better than any band in the world right now. Who else is doing anything that matters half as much and is doing it in as inhospitable an environment as Putin’s Russia? The feminist punk band has been beaten up, spat upon and sent to jail, but still persist in trying to get their music and message out.

Plus you’ve got to love the fact they cite Oi! bands like the Four Skins, Angelic Upstarts and Cockney Rejects as musical influences and have a touch of the Wendy O Williams and The Plasmatics about them.

Take that, Tolmachevy Sisters!

Sweden

What you’re going to get: Sanna Nielsen “Undo”

As soon as Sanna Nielsen rolled off the production line of some big anonymous pop factory where they make Sanna Nielsens by the pallet load each day, fresh for Swedish radio play, Sanna Nielsen just knew she wanted to be like Celine Dion. Not too surprising, since the microchip they installed in her head was pre-programmed with the entire Celine Dion songbook.

Shoot Farken’s pick: Goat “Goatman”

And you thought Sweden was all about Volvo, IKEA and the chef from The Muppets.

There’s lots of great music waiting for anyone who digs a little beneath the surface of Sweden’s pop sheen, especially in rock, punk and metal. From black metal pioneers Marduk, through to 90s rockers The Soundtrack of Our Lives and psychedelic rockers Dungen, Sweden can put its hand up for more than just Roxette and The Cardigans.

Goat have put indie music nerds in a spin since they emerged as a fully functioning Afro-psych-rock outfit from the obscure Swedish village of Korpilombolo, which, according to the band’s backstory, “has a history of voodoo worship after a witch doctor came and lived there”.

Sure thing. Keep telling yourself Frida was the hot one in ABBA, too.

Norway

What you’re going to get: Carl Espen “Silent Storm”

Big, cuddly, tattooed Carl is full of big, cuddly emotions just bursting to get out and give you a big, sloppy hug. Quick! Arrest that dirty perv for sexual harassment!

No, he’s okay, the old Carl. You could tell him your problems down the pub and he’d sing a song that would soothe your aching soul. That’s the type of lad he is, you know. He’s not heavy, he’s my Norwegian.

Shoot Farken’s pick: Burzum “Jeg Faller”

Oh fuck. What have we done here? Burzum. Varg Vikernes. The man, the myth, the white supremacist. The church-burner. The murderer.

Yes, all those things, but also one of the pioneers of the black metal genre and someone who his hardcore fans consider to be a musical visionary. Vikernes spent 15 years in prison for the stabbing murder of Mayhem guitarist Euronymous. In prison, Vikernes became the darling of the so-far-right-you-can’t-even-see-Genghis-Khan-from-here-anymore-right. Really far out right.

But damned if he doesn’t make some of the most compellingly unsettling and at times borderline beautiful metal you’ll ever hear. Varg Vikernes at the Shoot Farken Eurovision contest is just so, so wrong it has to be…right.

The Netherlands

What you’re going to get: The Common Linnets “Calm After the Storm”

I wanted to hate this song, really I did. But it has a touch of the Lindsey Buckingham & Stevie Nicks about it that acts like a gentle valium to my ill-defined sense of middle-age angst. It’s nice.

According to their Eurovision bio: “Their mission-statement was clear: writing real country music, stripped of all unnecessary trappings, and inspired by such greats as Emmylou Harris and Johnny Cash, but also West coast stars like Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, and James Taylor.”

James Taylor, makes sense. The dude in The Common Linnets goes by the name of Waylon. Hey, Waylon. Waylon Jennings called, he wants his name back. He’s going to shoot you and then stomp you into the dust and take his name back. Now that’s country.

Shoot Farken’s pick: The Ex “Double Order”

The Ex have been around since the crusty punk days of the late 70s, playing sharp, biting songs with anarcho-socialist lyrics. In those days they sounded a little bit like Australia’s X, also a mighty band.

Since then they’ve expanded their musical palette to incorporate free jazz, African and Eastern European musical influences. If you dig bands like Fugazi or the Minutemen you should check these guys out.

I imagine the backstage chit-chat between these guys and Varg Vikernes might be fun.

Finland

What you’re going to get: Softengine “Something Better”

From the band’s bio on the Eurovision website:

We were jamming and playing funk at our training facility ten days before the deadline of the UMK. The next day at work it dawned on me that I could make a real song out the jam. I planned a chorus in my head and presented it to the others in the next practice. We tried a simplified version of the chorus and that turned everyone on. So we decided to forget about the funk part.

Yes, you sure did leave the funk out. And what the hell sort of band jams in a training facility?

Shoot Farken’s pick: Leningrad Cowboys “These Boots (are made for walking)”

Bit of a coin toss for Shoot Farken’s Finnish jury as to whether to go for the rockabilly madness of the Cowboys, who were a massive cult thing in the 80s, or pick one of the noise bands, like Circle or Can Can Hands, that has made Finland so famous among people who dig noise for a living.

In the end, it was hard to resist the sheer visual impact of the hair, the boots, the suits. The Leningrad Cowboys are a great example of the type of humour that comes out of a country with one of the highest rates of suicide in the world. Perfect Shoot Farken Eurovision material.

Hungary

What you’re going to get: Andras Kallay-Saunders “Running”

A soulful rendition of a song about domestic violence by a handsome and stylishly manscaped boy-man son of a model and music producer. And that’s about all she wrote, folks. Andras Kallay-Saunders has come through the TV music talent show route and it shows in all its neo-soul blandness: like goulash without the paprika or meat.

Shoot Farken’s pick: Vágtázó Halottkémek “Őseimmel”

Astrophysicist, folklorist, shaman punk: Attila Grandpierre has many feathers in his ancient Hun cap. His two main bands, Vágtázó Halottkémek (the Galloping Coroners) and Vágtázó Csodaszarvas (the Galloping Wonder Stag), have explored the edges of folk-progressive-psychedelic rock for almost 40 years, counting the likes of Jello Biafra among their fans.

VHK would be the perfect backing band for the end of the night Shoot Farken Eurovision jam session that, in true Magyar shaman-style, might end up going for a few days.

Romania

What you’re going to get: Paula Seling and OVI “Miracle”

It’s a miracle that in a country with as rich a musical tradition as Romania that this piano-driven Euro-synth concoction of goop gets made. I wonder if Paula, who seems to have come up through the usual TV pop show route, knows about the great Lautareasca folk-pop singers of the 50s and 60s like Gabi Lunca and Romica Puceanu? She probably does. I guess a singer’s got to make a living.

Shoot Farken’s pick: Taraf de Haidouks “Turceasca”

Taraf de Haidouks is a band that comes out of a centuries-old Roma community music tradition, with musicians coming from the same families for generation upon generation, and cross-generational family bands common.

This tight-knit community creates music that has a very high level of skill and intricacy in its interplay. Start listening to this stuff and you’ll be dazzled by what these guys can do. It really is that good.

Slovenia

What you’re going to get: Tinkara Kovac “Round and Round”

Tinkara plays the flute and sings, sort of like Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. In fact, she’s performed with Ian Anderson at some point, so it says on her bio. I wonder if they did “Aqualung” together?

“Sitting on the park bench,
eyeing little girls with bad intent”

Now that was some badass song.

Shoot Farken’s pick: Navihanke “Miši se bojim (Zvezde Planeta Tuš)”

As much as I say it’s a purely musical appreciation, my wife is slightly suspicious of my admiration for one of Slovenia’s finest all-girl “Cleveland style” polka pop bands. Navihanke is the type of wholesome stuff that should be in Eurovision but doesn’t get a look in because it’s not written by Swedish song wranglers and still sounds like a regional folk/pop style.

And I’d like to see the girls back Varg Vikernes on a number or two — now is that too much to ask of a Eurovision experience?

Ireland

What you’re going to get: Can-Linn (featuring Kasey Smith) “Heartbeat”

Attractive dark-haired Irish lass paired with Swedish songwriters is a recipe for Eurovision success. It would be a little like combining Brazil and Germany as one team to play in the World Cup. Ireland has won Eurovision seven times, while Sweden has, outright, won it five times, but has lent songwriting support on many more occasions than that. This might do the trick again.

Shoot Farken’s pick: Solar Bears “Alpha People”

A touch of Stereolab, a little bit of Air, maybe some Boards of Canada thrown in too. Solar Bears make warm, slightly off-kilter dream pop. We’ve got nothing else like them among the artists picked so far, so they make for a pleasant change to the noise and fury of some of the other acts. Have a listen to their latest album Supermigration —  it really hits a warm, squelchy spot.