For some of us Father’s Day can be a bit awkward. Don’t get me wrong, I know some great dads; just not mine. Then there are people who have lost good dads for whom the day isn’t exactly fun either. And there’s seemingly no escape from it; it’s on the telly, on signage, brought up in social media, etc.
So I’ve been compiling a list of dads I would have chosen to call mine. These probably won’t work for everyone but you can make up your own list obviously, if like me you have nothing better to do.
Anyways, my Fantasy Dad League would consist of the following (NB: occasionally I swap one and two around in order of priority):
1. Mr Spock: Logical, slow to anger, GREAT hair to inherit, non-huggy. Plus he’s off on the Enterprise a lot so there’ll be no hanging about the house embarrassing you in front of your friends during your formative years. When he retires you can nick all his old uniforms to wear to Comic-Con. Also he’s never been known joke about flatulence, or anything for that matter – completely dad joke free. Win/win.
Downside: He can read your freakin’ mind, man.
2. Stephen Fry: Ohhhhh Stephen. There should be a twee indie song about him called ‘I Wish Stephen Fry Would Adopt Me’. I’d like him installed in my house (or for me to live in his) in a completely non-creepy way. We’d sit around having cups of tea and discussing really smart things about stuff. He could help me win at trivia nights and read me to sleep afterwards. So much better than having a dad who thinks it’s the height of socialisation to put Rodney Rude on during parties. He would probably also be unlikely to have a boobs cake for one of his birthdays, much to one’s relief.
Downside: He lives in England. This is only a problem as my cat is old and might not make the journey and then the quarantine.
3. Terence Stamp: I have removed Terence Stamp from my list mainly as I think he was really hot in the ’60s. Awkward. So I decided to replace him with his old pal Michael Caine. Sure he’d come out with a few dad jokes but just thinking about him booming ‘My Name is Michael Caine’ as he enters any room amuses me greatly (of course he does that – wouldn’t you if you were him? I would). He also likes libraries and knows how it feels to be poor so I gather he would be a dad of great empathy. Plus he was in the good Batmans and knows the value of bespoke tailoring.
Downside: I can’t actually think of one. He probably has access to a private jet so he can fly my cat and I to London directly. He’s also a Sir, so he could easily get immigration sorted for us. Nice one.
4. Geoffrey Rush: Seriously, the man is a treasure. He’s articulate, funny and appears to be a complete sweetheart. He’d never (one assumes) devalue your ambitions. Plus if he was your dad you could hang out in leafy Camberwell and pretend you were well posh (but in a nice way). Also he might invite you to a premiere where you could meet Benedict Cumberbatch. Sweeeeeeet as.
Downside: Possibly meeting and having to be nice to Sir Geoffrey’s old roommate, Mel ‘crazy eyes’ Gibson. No thanks.
5. Santa: I know what you’re thinking; I just want to be Santa’s child because presents right? Yeah no. I just want to live in the snow, build things from it, have elves for friends and possibly live off gingerbread. Yes OF COURSE Santa lives off gingerbread – where do you think that belly comes from?
Downside: the possibility of child/adulthood obesity. Also if you inherit his snow-white hair it’s a great base for dyeing yours bright colours during a rebellious youth and beyond. Good times.
So to all my fantasy dads – I hope you liked the badly drawn card I sent you all in the mail. I know you will have to love it nonetheless. Except Spock, who may deem it illogical.
And to everyone else – I hope you enjoyed your Father’s Day whether it be dad oriented or not.
