Are you a football fan who is interested in following an AFL team this season?
Even outgoing AFL capo dei capi Andrew Demetriou once admitted that it was okay to follow a team in another football code.
“And we know that there will be those who switch their colours from the Giants to the Rabbitohs and from the Rabbitohs to the Waratahs, and from the Waratahs to Sydney FC: all power to them.”
Yes, all power to you for deciding to follow an AFL team.
To help you decide, I have, after meticulous research, produced the indispensable football fan’s guide to AFL 2014.
I have matched an AFL club with a club familiar to football fans and also provided a player to watch from each club.
ADELAIDE – the Crows are like Adelaide United, but with four times as many “Pissant” fans to contend with on away trips.
Player to watch: Patrick Dangerfield, nowhere near as funny as Rodney, but if he performs as brilliantly as his namesake he will be a lock for the Brownlow Medal.
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BRISBANE – the Lions are like Leeds United, a once great team fallen on hard times.
Player to watch: Jonathan Brown, can the old Lion King of the Gabba savannah roam around the forward line and intimidate opposition defenders like days of yore.
CARLTON – the Blues are like Juventus, a big successful club followed by Italians with a history of cheating.
Player to watch: Dale (Daisy) Thomas, the AFL has entered the era of free agency and the former Collingwood darling’s move to Carlton has been greeted with the bitterness of a player transfer from Tottenham to Arsenal.
COLLINGWOOD – the Magpies are like Melbourne Victory, a big club, hated by many, with an annoying habit of name-dropping Manchester United.
Player to watch: Heritier Lumumba (the man formerly known as Harry O’Brien), the Melbourne Heart fan changed his name during the off-season. The team he supports in the A-League will be trying to do the same.
ESSENDON – the Bombers are like Juventus as well, just as successful as Carlton, with a history of cheating, but with not quite as many Italian supporters.
Player to watch: David Zaharakis, he’s got a Greek surname that starts with Z, he refused to get injected with dodgy supplements because he didn’t like needles and his right foot defeated Collingwood with the last kick of a very big game. That will do me.
FREMANTLE – the Dockers are like Tottenham Hotspur, a team that chokes at the final hurdle, unlike their derby rival, West Coast.
Player to watch: Aaron Sandilands, the ruckman is so tall he has to duck to walk under a crossbar.
GEELONG – the Cats are like Bayern Munich, an AFL powerhouse supported by country bumpkins, I mean good up-standing rural folk.
Player to watch: Steve Johnson, the Matthew Le Tissier of the AFL.
GOLD COAST – the Suns are like Monaco, a team based in a soulless tourist trap.
Player to watch: Gary Ablett, the highest paid player in the AFL. Basically, after tax, Gary’s on half the money Mark Bresciano is making in the Qatari League.
GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY – the Giants are the opposite of the Western Sydney Wanderers. The AFL’s expensive attempt to introduce the sporting equivalent of the Four’N Twenty Pie to “the land of the falafel.” Problem is, they just haven’t been able to excite that many local palates…yet.
Player to watch: Jeremy Cameron, even though his hapless team recorded only one win last season, the talented youngster was named 2013 All-Australian full forward. Never will so many goals be kicked by a player for so few wins.
HAWTHORN – the Hawks are like Chelsea, both teams are from electorates where Tories get 60% of the vote. It comes as no surprise that Hawthorn fans are 33% more likely to vote for the Liberal Party than the average AFL fan.
Player to watch: Cyril Rioli, this excitement machine would be playing for the Socceroos in Brazil if he was given a different ball as a kid.
MELBOURNE – the Demons are like Notts County, the sport’s oldest club and just as crap.
Player to watch: Jack Watts, Demons fans have been patiently waiting for the 2008 No.1 Draft Pick to do something for the last five years. Here is your chance to join them.
NORTH MELBOURNE – the Kangaroos are like Blackburn Rovers, a small club that was big in the nineties.
Player to watch: Majak Daw, the Sudanese refugee turned involuntary AFL promotional vehicle has made more front pages than he has kicked goals. Hopefully, it will be the reverse this season.
PORT ADELAIDE – the Power are like Millwall, no one likes them, they don’t care.
Player to watch: Kane Cornes, given the choice I’d much rather watch the son of local Aussie Rules legend Graham, than read the guff his father comes out with in the press. You should too.
RICHMOND – the Tigers are like Newcastle United, a big team with passionate fans and a glorious history of mediocrity.
Player to watch: Bachar Houli, the first Muslim to play in the AFL. I was reminded of this constantly by the AFL PR machine when he made his debut for Essendon. Now I am reminding you.
ST KILDA – the Saints are like Southampton, a seaside club with a pretty empty trophy cabinet called the Saints.
Player to watch: Nick Riewoldt, the champion Saint enters the twilight of his career no longer surrounded by champs, but by chumps.
SYDNEY – the Swans are like Milton Keynes Dons, a relocated team, but at least the Swans were not shoved off to a place even accountants find boring.
Player to watch: Lance Franklin, the mercurial former Hawk has decamped to Bondi Beach and from the social pages of the Herald Sun to the social pages of the Daily Telegraph in a nine-year, $10 million deal.
WEST COAST – the Eagles are like Arsenal, they have a habit of winning the odd championship, unlike their derby rival, Fremantle.
Player to watch: Nic Naitanui, can jump over a crossbar in a single bound.
WESTERN BULLDOGS – the Bulldogs are like West Ham United, a working class team that is forever blowing bubbles. Footscray fans (their rightful name before the marketing gurus ruined it) are 34% more likely to vote for the Australian Labor Party than the average AFL fan.
Player to watch: Robert Murphy, not only on the field but also off the field as the veteran Bulldog is the best writer to come out the playing ranks since the incomparable Brent Crosswell.
The Age’s Martin Flanagan on Brent Crosswell:
He was an intellectual and a footballer at a time when Australian culture didn’t recognise you could be both. No ordinary footballer, he was twice voted best on ground in a grand final. He responded to big crowds and big occasions.
Here is the four time VFL premiership player writing in the Hobart Mercury on his love/hate relationship with the great Colosseum that is the Melbourne Cricket Ground on the eve of the 1987 Grand Final:
Today, this monster, the MCG will come alive in a kaleidoscope of colours to the roars of thousands of people; glorious, awesome and magnificent. It will be great entertainment, but you can never really understand the MCG’s capricious nature, its cruel potential, its terrible inscrutability; not really. Perhaps it’s better that way.
Let the AFL Games of 2014 begin.
