In a Shoot Farken exclusive, we can reveal that Manchester City, the new mega-rich owners of A-League club Melbourne Heart, will soon be launching The Red & White Bye-Bye Heart Buy-Back Scheme.
According to documents leaked to Shoot Farken, the plan has been partly inspired by the Australian Government’s recently aborted scheme to buy back old boats from Indonesian fishing villages to stop asylum seekers arriving on Australian shores.
A similar principle will apply to deter Melbourne Heart fans seeking to enter AAMI Park Stadium next A-League season in what was described “obsolete, redundant, brand killing Red & White.”
In what amounts to a Faustian pact, Heart fans will be asked to sacrifice their Red & White in exchange for Sky Blue on field success. But there’s more.
Not only will Heart fans be luxuriating in the unfamiliar warm scented bubblebath of this success, they will also be able to exchange their jerseys and their red and white scarves for the sky blue equivalent.
Reluctant sky blue wearing Heart fans will be able to exchange their official red and white merchandise for a partial refund on the purchase price.
To alleviate any residual bitterness from the exchange, Manchester City will not be setting the collected red and white mass of official merchandise alight this Guy Fawkes Night, November 5, in a massive bonfire as previously planned.
Instead, in what is bound to warm the cockles of even the bitterest Heart fan, they will be sending the stuff to the most impoverished and strife torn countries so they can be worn and used by some of the neediest football players on the planet.
This one simple symbolic exercise will turn Melbourne Heart from modest community club to Melbourne City the global community club.
The leaked document also provides details on how the new owners will appease the harder to please, prone to protest, Yarraside ‘casual’ active fans.
The new owners acknowledge that it’s pointless setting up an exchange program for Fred Perry polo shirts, Sergio Tacchini and Fila track tops, and C.P. Company & K-Way jackets. More creative measures will have to be put in place.
One such plan involves bringing down former Oasis frontman, Brit-pop legend and lad’s mag style icon Liam Gallagher for a stint as “Marquee Capo.”
Manchester City are aware that some members of Yarraside were but a thought bubble in the minds of their parents when (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? was released in 1995.
However, teen-marketing gurus have advised the new owners that Liam belting out “Wonderwall” on the Yarraside megaphone will have the same pacifying effect on the teenagers as Leonard Cohen has on their parents singing “Hallelujah” at his Melbourne concerts.
If resistance continues to be met, the new owners will dig slightly deeper into their bulging pockets and get Liam to personally sign and hand out £125 Green Deansgate Parkas from his very own label, Pretty Green.
Pretty Green Deansgate Parka Jacket In Green
